oh yes i have a weird kind of ****-phobic so what?

exam week.. so, supposed laptop kesayangan ni tak bernyawa n melalui tempoh kuarantin.. arrgghh.. aku mana bole hidup kalau tkde bnde ni.. saya takmau jd zombie! hehe.. okayh.. back to the topic.. blablabla.. phobia? apakah? oh.. sesungguhnya inilah pertama kali dlm hidup aku rse cuak nk exam.. hell it hurts so much.. azuan ckp; "nmpk sgt kau tak pnah lalui failure".. yup.. memg tak pnah.. and taktau lahh pulak sakit dia mcm ni pnye teruk.. well, maybe for some people tak laa teruk.. but since that was my first time, aku tak reti nk handle lahh.. aku fobia dgn final exam since result yg mcm sampah last sem tuh.. i was like.. what?? aku speechless.. taktau silap kt mana.. yang ada dlm otak aku dr dlu smpi skrg juz.. "takpe.. tkde rezeki.." not saying that i'm not redha.. tp org semua sikit2 nk tnye.. hell-oh.. i'm not perfect.. yeah.. you can say that i have this and that and blablabla.. but still.. nashihin hanis ismail is just an ordinary homosapien.. i may call that a tragedy.. haha.. nashihinhanis yg all these while seems perfect.. tbe2 dpt result teruk? well.. tak laa smpi fail.. but a B- is like a thunderstruck straight to my face.. you may say.. alaa.. taklahh teruk mana.. you have all the rights to judge.. tp bila seorang nashihinhanis yg dpt B- tu, rse mcm dunia dah terbalik je.. haha.. overdescriptive pulak aku kn.. apa2lahh.. tp that tragedy secara tak langsung buat aku sedar.. roda itu berpusing dan tak setiap masa di atas.. tragedi itu juga sedikit sebanyak mengetuk pintu akal nashihinhanis yang realiti memang tak indah setiap masa.. baru skrg aku tahu apa perasaan org2 yg pernah gagal.. lps 18 tahun hidup dlm semua yg cukup terancang and full of satisfaction, tbe2 mcm ada batu besar jatuh hempap bila dpt something yg out of prediction.. lebih malang, mana silapnya pn aku tak nmpk.. aku bukn masuk exam hall dgn kepala kosong tawakkal semata.. bukan jugak masuk exam hall semacam zombie lantaran kekangan masa smpi tak tdo2.. aku masuk, jawab da keluar pd hari itu secara normanya yg biasa aku lalui.. tak wujud kejanggalan mahupun kerunsingan dan kerisauan.. yakin seakan selalu dan sebiasanya.. tp entahlahh.. aku hanya mampu tetapkan ini sebagai ujian dr Dia..dan atas paksi yg sama juga aku berhak utk takut.. takut utk melalui sekali lagi.. sekali gagal memang bukan bererti gagal selamanya.. tapi bukankah gagal sekali juga membuka ruang dan peluang utk gagal secara seluruhnya.. berlandaskan itu aku selama ini berusaha sesungguhnya utk tidak jatuh.. tp setelah sekali terpelecok buat aku kekok utk terus mengatur langkah.. cukup takut.. seakan aku tidak pernah tahu apa itu langkah.. membuat aku rasa bagai segalanya perlu dihentikan.. yes, i am a perfectionist.. by hook or by crook, everything must go the way i want it to be.. aku tak fikir benda lain.. orang lain.. it  does seem selfish.. tp salah akukah jika cuba membina hidup sendiri tanpa pergantungan melainkan kepadaNya? kerana hanya Dia yang kekal.. aku tak mau tali pautanku hilang andai berharap pada tali yang akan reput.. kerana aku tahu sakitnya seorang setelah terlalu dibiasakan berdua, bertiga, mahupun seramai mungkin.. i don't want to take the risk of disappointment.. biarlaa org nk ckp apa pn.. seorang manusia sentiasa mempunyai hak dan pilihan bukan? back to the topic.. a perfectionist memang taktau nk handle failure.. but i'm learning.. step by step.. i am trying to face it with courage and beat it with strength.. but a cut always leave a scar isn't it? that scar is deep.. very deep though.. until i can't even reach the bottom to clean it away.. biarkan.. mungkin parut itu juga penting utk aku.. supaya aku boleh khabarkan bila org bertanya.. aku juga pernah gagal.. aku juga insan ciptaan Allah yang tidak, tidak mungkin, dan tidak akan pernah sempurna.. biarkan.. mungkin selepas ini parut ini akan membuat aku lebih teliti.. melihat dengan mata tertutup.. kerana secara kasar yang kita nampak mungkin juga sebenarnya tidak wujud.. semuanya mungkin.. and i can only wish that that is the first and last failure utk seorg nashihinhanis.. sbb bukan aku takmau kecewa.. tp aku takmau menghampakan banyak atma yang penuh harap.. and i'm sorry for disappointing you all lovely people in my life.. and i'll try to promise you that it won't happen again.. i'll try.. and i'll try my best..

 

conclusion; NashihinHanisIsmail is trying her best to live her life as a magnicifently great girl.. hahah..

~lost~

hanis.. knpe susa sgt nk chill lately ni.. org ckp sket, da trase.. since when u're like this, girl.. kau bukan pnah amik kesa pn apa org buat or ckp kt kau.. he'd done nothing.. NOTHING dear.. so, knpe kjp2 nk trase.. trase sbb apa pn ntah laa.. it's just the feeling of disappointment.. no.. i think it's that u're just feeling lonely.. you want someone but he can't be there.. tkpelaa.. bukan salah dia pn.. salah kau yg mengada sgt tu knpe.. takkan laa spnjg masa nk dia ada dgn kau.. yg serabut sgt ni knpe.. apsal mcm tak tenang langsung ni.. pastu suka merepek ape2 tah.. hanis, wake up.. kau tgh exam.. tau, tgh exam tak bole mcm ni.. tp mne nk tau serabut2 ni nk dtg time ni.. tolong laa.. you won't want the same thing to happen right? you know exactly what i mean.. lpas tu lately knpe mcm fake gila.. yg acuh tak acuh je melayan org knpe tah.. kesian org.. kalau kau nmpk happy pn, i know it's not you.. it's FAKE.. totally bogus.. hanis, knpe mcm ni? taktau.. kau memg dari dulu semua pn taktau kn.. annoying.. i know.. and kau memg da tak tumbuk2 dinding kalau bengang.. tp kau buat apa? u still hurt urself.. yg kasi calar2 tgn tu knpe? where's the hanis that i know? u're not that heartless girl i know anymore.. kau skrg mcm lost.. why.. what happened.. taktau.. hanis, ape kau nak sbnrnye.. knpe kacau dia.. jgn laa kacau dia.. dia busy tu.. and jgn nk harap sgt dia akan ada.. no one is able to be there all the time for you dear.. only Allah wills.. seek for him.. da cari.. tp knpe still mcm ni.. chill.. chill.. and chill.. you don't know the reason of all this.. i know that kau sdiri pn tgh confuse.. focus dear.. get back on track.. move on.. i know that u being like this has totally nothing to do with him.. kau ada masalah sdiri.. and you need him.. but u're not the kind of girl yg tau nk spill probs kt org.. kau nk dia ada.. bukan sbb kau nk solve ur probs.. kau just need someone to cling on.. u know when u have him by ur side kau akan rse secured and chill sikit.. but that's not solving the problem.. that's running away from it.. and you've never been like this before.. where's the courage, girl? u're turning into someone else.. please.. come back.. wake up.. they want you like who you used to be.. the great hanis.. please.. i beg you.. be strong.. and stop hurting yourself by doing something reckless.. that won't do you any good either.. come on girl.. you know you can do it better..

-love, your lost soul, that always want you back-

fault?

Is it a fault to have a bit of reliability on someone else at times, when you're already in a relationship with someone?

Preserving loyalty is hardcore,dear.. And I do need you to lend a hand in doing so. Please, just by being there is helpful enough. because, sincerely,  you know.. and i know.. that the one i need is just you.. what i saw in the other person is you.. eventhough i know i'm talking with someone else, what i think about is you.. i really wish that the one i'm talking to is really you.

Be there for her, before she seeks for someone else.. And don't even let her do that. She's not that strong, and she needs someone beside her sometimes. Ensure that person is you.. And don't even let someone else take your place.. Who knows if she might loose your grip.. her love is just for you.. mark that in mind.. but when you're not around, and she desperately need a shoulder to cry on.. she does try her best to wait for you.. but there's also something called 'perfect timing', when someone is there.. at the right moment, at the right place.. to be exact, with her.. it's not for you to blame her... but just by being there will assure you to have her love for you.. and only you.. She's yours.. so, be hers..

she's already feeling guilty now.. and she's so sorry that she looks for someone else to spill her misery.. but that someone else.. she promise, won't have her heart.. because after all, her heart and love is all yours.. and only yours..

-writing this in the state of a guilty mind, Hanis-

War of the Wardrobes? HELP!!!

-my wonderful wardrobe-

okay.. tajuk je gempak sebenarnya issue tak laa serius mana.. haha.. eh2.. tp critical jugak lahh.. the notion; almari sudaa terlalu penuh and baju taktau nk letak mana dah.. and yes, that's my wardrobe.. padat maximum dah tu.. haha.. but yet, bnyk lagi baju tak masuk.. kt rumah ni aku maen letak je baju aku kt mne2 almari yg ade space.. tu yg kt uia lg satu locker pnye bju tu bila bwk balik nnt nk letak mana pulak?? aiy0o.. susaa2.. mama ckp.. stop buying stuffs.. but i can hardly resist laa.. shopping is in my blood.. hahaha.. and aku yg terlalu bnyk barang ni.. fadi once said, "hanis, you're just EIGHTEEN...".. yup laa i know.. tp nk buat mcm mne kn.. heee.. yg ni baru baju.. belum masuk lg dgn bags, shoes, books, dvds, teddy bears yg belambak.. haih.. banyaknyeeee.. so, any suggestions anyone? but don't tell me things that you know i won't do.. such as.. "buang je".. or.. "bagi kt aku laa".. or.. ape2 je yg tak logik utk aku.. hahah.. dalam tu pun banyak lagi baju yg belum pernah aku pakai langsung.. ye laa.. asyek beli je.. adoi.. cepat laa kaya.. haha..

okay.. this is certainly not mine lahh.. tp macam ni jugak laa baju aku kt rumah.. maen sangkut kt mana2 sbb almari dah penuh.. huhu..

the view belakang pintu.. and hey.. that's my fav pair of jeans! ;) 

perspectives of beauty

he is good-looking btw.. very2 attractive..

different people have different perspectives.. contoh terdekat.. aku n roommates ku.. tiga2 org look forward to different types of guy to be classified as good looking.. klaka laa discuss pasal bnde ni sbnrnye.. haha..

bila tgh jalan2.. 
fadi; comel laa mamat tu!! hanis; taknak pandang.. hahaha.. ati; aku tak suka pn..

situasi yang lain..
hanis; hot stuff!!! badan dia best.. haha.. fadi n ati; gemuk laa.. hanis; tough laaa!!!

and another one..
ati; uuuu.. handsome! hanis; kepeng laa.. kurus kering je.. fadi; biasa je.. tu 'blues untuk kau' je!! HAHAHA..

conclusion;

okay.. this is HOT! haha..

good looking from hanis's point of view;
-tall.. 180cm is cool enough.. so that i could wear high heels all the time.. and i l0oo0ove stilettos!
-muscular.. hot bod.. i lo0ve athletes.. expecially rugby players.. they have hot bods okay..
-broad shoulders.. so that, his could match mine.. heeee~
-jaws are fabulous.. they accentuate the masculinity of a man.. fewh.. haha.. aku suka gila lahh dgn jaws.. addicted kot.. bole tenung lama2.. erk.. creepy pulak..
-dimples.. kalau aku tgh marah pn.. tgk lesung pipit je bole hilang marah kott.. haha..
-lips.. aku suka tgk lips yg nmpk sdp.. taktau knpe.. caer lahh!! bahaya btol.. huhu..
-the hair plays an important role as well eh.. spike ke moppy.. ke tak kesa laa.. asalkan stylo lahh.. jgn bg aku affro dah laa.. memg aku botakkan je nnt.. hehe..
-eyes.. seductive is gorgeous.. memg kasi melekat laa aku dgn that guy.. uuu.. aku suka sgt tgk mata.. bole fall in love head over heels over the gaung pn bole jatuh lahh.. haiisshh.. haha..
-big hands.. i feel protected. period.
-nice smell.. included in good looking.. i love a guy to smell sexy.. heee..

hey! aku curi gambar kau lg lahh.. hahah..

*p/s: ni bukan characteristic of my romeo skrg eh.. let's just say that i'm lucky enough that i got him, who fulfills all the characteristics.. you may call me the happiest lady in the world.. you may also say that i'm exaggerating.. but this is truely through the perspective of me.. ;)

fadi; she prefers korean guys.. or comel2 guys.. sometimes with rambut kerinting.. which is totally not my type..

ati; dia nk blues utk dia sorg je.. muka baek2.. muka pendiam.. haha.. surely, not my type as well..

handsome! heeee~~

hence, all of us have clearly different opinions about how good people look. *wink wink*

but of all people, these are the most gorgeous ones in my life.. LOVE u all!

*p/s:we love each other very well, thank you.